Forever wanting to be doing something else

There are always other things to do. How do you choose what to do with your time? Well usually I go to where I'm needed most. I'm addicted to being needed. I fill voids, fix problems, and help during a crisis. When the crisis is over I loose interest move on and change focus. I'm not sure how to stop this. I'm not sure if I want to stop. Some character flaw has obviously developed which demands that I feel needed in order to be fulfilled. The problem is that eventually I feel harassed and resentful but most importantly tired. Now there are real situations that need my help and I'm unable to do anything with those. Within my own family I'm unable/unwanted for some situations. I can't let go; all I feel is "action" you must do something. But apparently there is nothing to do. When I'm unwanted by one group I don't move on and find others who need help. I just get frustrated and write whiny blogs.

Another Day

Last week I made my first mixed CD. I loved it. I put the songs I wanted on it into itunes and then created a play list and took time and rearrange the songs into the order I wanted and then I burned the CD. It was great. I used to make a lot of mixed tapes but it was nothing like this.

My band played a show on the weekend. It was a good night. I'm basically tired and not really excited about anything today. Had I written something about it right away I probably would have had something interesting or funny to say. I didn't write last week so I'm trying to make a better effort this week even if it is flat and somewhat mundane. In a continuation of the how to clean an apartment series. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen yesterday. Didn't take long. Keeping it up is my next goal.

How to Clean an Appartment 3

The only room in the apartment even close to clean.

How to clean an Appartment 2

Well things are progressing slowly. I began with moving the jackets to their approved hooks and then moving the dishes into the kitchen. I then put all garbage into a garbage bag. I swept the floor and am now going to finish the coffee table and fold the blankets on the couch. Then I will reward myself with reading a chapter of my book on the back porch, which you can see though the open door.

How to Clean an Appartment

Well here it is, my apartment. There is a lot of clutter. We have recently purchased some help from Ikea in the form of the shelving unit on the right in the living room. As well a book case for the office/storage room/study/spare bedroom/computer room/library and some shelves for the bedroom to hold clothes. Matt and I have a really hard time organizing our stuff. Both of us have some kind of phobia of keeping belongings/garbage of the floor. We apparently believe that the more under foot the better and the more items you have to remove to find something from under a pile the closer to utopia you get. Well today is the day I help my self. My mom used to sit on my bed and tell me where the items in my room would go because I never knew where to begin. I'd be crying and sucking my thumb and my mom would patiently tell me where to repatriate the contents of my room from their vacation on the floor. The one thing I know is that in order to keep items off of the floor they need a place of their own, hence the shelving. The next issue is where to begin. A safe place to start is by putting the garbage into a bag. I think I'll begin there. I'll then set up the bookshelf and move into the office/storage room/study/spare bedroom/computer room/library and find a place for it. I'll post more pictures as the process moves along. I'm getting a late start and was hoping I'd be pretty far along by now so I could spend the afternoon reading on the back porch, one of my favourite day off activities.

Yesterday

My day yesterday was different. Firstly I was in a fight with my friend. Then off to work for a reasonably normal day. Just before I left work I got a call from my boyfriend who said he had a flat tire and was at the corner of Moodie and Carling. He was biking home and went over a piece of glass and whala flat tire. The plan was that I would bike home when finished work and then get the car and go pick him up. I left work in 15 minutes, it took me 15 minutes to get home and I thought it would take me about 20 minutes to drive to where he was waiting. When I reached into my jacket pocket I found no keys. No keys to the house, to the car, only a key for a bike lock I no longer have (that is another story). So I knocked on the downstairs neighbours door and asked if he would help me break into my appartment. In no time I was discovering that even climbing up onto the roof to try and open the kitchen window of my appartment wouldn't work. My neighbour suggested that I call some one. Right, I thought who? Even if my boyfriend had the cell phone I don't know the number, and not many of my friends have cars. So I called my friend AV, he and I were roomated for years and he has a car but is rarely home. AV's girlfirend answered and told me that AV was on his way home from driving his borther to the airport and he had a cell phone and that he'd be by to pick me up in 15 minutes (two conversations). AV and I took off, the shock on my boyfriends face when AV and I showed up a half an hour late was great. Where's the car were the first words out of his mouth. It's in the driveway I didn't take my keys to work I explained. AV droped us off at home and then everything was fine. We then went to get a new tire for the bike. How exciting, my keys are in my pocket as we speak, although I still don't know the cell phone number.

Not Good With People

I'm in the middle of a fight with a friend of mine. We've been friends for years and I had a strong reaction to something he did and now he is hurt and angry. We have been e-mailing and I'm so confused. I was a little drunk and very angry and left him a note written in crayon indicating my extreem feelings. I thought the note was funny but got my point accross. They used to leave notes for a friend of ours like that regularily. I was wrong. Man, I had no idea it was such a big deal. I just want to laugh because I'm so confused, but he's so angry and I'm the one who hurt his feelings. So I appologized for hurting his feelings and I don't understand. He wanted an appology, I'm bullheaded and wow. I should begin to think before I act, especially after a few beers. No one woud suspect that we're 30. I guess things will be fine we really are good friends.

On another note I'm having a good time at work. I'm getting back into the swing of things and looking fordard to the summer. It's only three months after all.

What to do

Well I'm getting worried about the future. Do I want to do more school after I get my diploma next spring? No, why do I torture myself. I know that school is easier than looking for a real job and god damn it. I'm all worried because I have to stop volunteering at the Peace and Environment Recource Centre because I need to volunteer at a museum and I don't want to stop but I'm not able to put enough effort into it. I know that all I have to do is talk to the coordinator and tell him. He will be dissapointed, but it's obvious that I don't have the time to do well. Anyway, what I want to do is cellebrate my friends and their achievements. I'm so proud of them. One of my friends has just released a novel, it's great and I'm so thrilled. There are others who have put out great albums and I feel like I'm hanging out with the most creative and tallented group! It's a great time and I have to go and get stressed about things that I know how to fix but don't seam to be fixing.

This is me a a couple of years ago at a friends cottage.

I'm not sure how all of this works. I'll figure it out slowly I guess. I'm all set to have a great summer working at the bakery and no school! I'm so glad to be done. I could hardly hold on. I love my program and I'm nervous about getting a real job. What I mean by that it that I've been so safe at the bakery and in all my previous jobs. It's time to step into the grown up world and I'm freaked out. There's a lot of things in my life that I've succeeded at and I know that I can be a great museum employee but it's so different from anything I've done. It's time for me to stop being scared and just do things with confidence. Yeah right.

Why?

I wanted to write. So I started to write.